Yeah this is a serious blog post 😔

I'm sure everyone is tired of seeing post about the Duggar family scandal. This just brings to the forefront a very horrible time for me. I've just ,in the last several years, been able to talk about it.

    From the ages of 5-7 years I was continually molested by a relative in their preteen and teenage years. That baby in the pictures. It was something that started out as a game that I had to keep secret. I was told if I told a grownup I would get a spanking and be in trouble because I wasn't a good girl. This was over 20 years ago and it still has an unsettling effect on me. This relative was middle school aged at the time and knew it was wrong. It went from making me kiss them to physically hurting me if I didn't do what I was told. I never told anyone for fear of being in trouble. 

   People are defending Josh Duggar because he was young. I don't know how the girls he molested feel. I just know how I felt and how I still feel. His age doesn't justify the abuse. I understand wanting to protect your child but if FOUR of your younger children were affected then get all of the children involved some help instead of hiding it from authorities and pretending it didn't happen. When I was a teenager I first opened up about it to my boyfriend (now husband) and you could see the anger and hurt in his eyes.It took me 15 years to tell my parents and they still wanted to take action. I've gotten to a point in my life where I can talk about it and not feel ashamed or that it was my fault. I hope that these five girls have found true peace. The adults defending Josh Duggar should be ashamed. I may be bitter but I hope he gets everything he deserves and more. Molestation is molestation there is no grey area.anyone who hurts a child should be punished. Please listen and don't dismiss what your children say. Be their heros. If I hadn't had constant love and support from my parents or my amazing husband who listened to me cry and never expected anything from me ,I don't know where I would be.  I will write about happier things soon I promise but this has been eating away at me.

Oh, this is still a thing?

  Firstly, let me say I suck at this  blog thing.  I have had no drive or desire to write. I've pretty much lost my drive for things that aren't my family or the shelter. I'm a fat lard. After my miscarriage I quit working out and quit eating healthy. Sadly, I quit caring. I'm working on it. I don't want this to be a "woe is me" post. I just want to share a revelation I had. 

     It's probably not meant for me to have another child. I'm ok with it. I'm so blessed with my two boys. I get so mopey sometimes seeing pregnancy announcements and all of the beautiful pregnant ladies around me. It hit me today what I was missing. On the day I knew I had to go see a doctor about my bleeding I got to meet my Jonut (Jonas Paul).

I am now his nanny and get to see so much of him. I get to witness his milestones and growth spurts. His giggles brighten my day. I love this little booger and it amazed me how much my heart grew when I met him.

   Just a few weeks after my miscarriage I get a text at 1am from my sister asking if I was awake. My heart sank, I just knew something was wrong. I texted frantically! "Are you ok??" "What's wrong?!?!" After what seemed like an eternity she sent me this photo

I screamed and cried. I was so happy! My baby sister was having a baby. I have got to be a part of it all. Doctors visits, advice, even feeling that sweet girls kicks and punches. I'm in love!!!she will be here in a short 14 weeks! 

Recently I was introduced to two other sweet kiddos that have me wrapped around their fingers. On occasion I get to watch Mr.Bode and Miss Elin

Bode is always smiling and loves for me to sing to him. Elin is amazed by my "magic" and my backwards legs!

 How could I be down with all of these babies to love on? I know they were all put in my life for a reason. This week I would have been 35 weeks pregnant. After the stress of the boys party, Kelly's baby shower, the shelter, and the boys in general I can see now why a baby would have just been too much to handle with all that I have going on. This probably doesn't make much sense but I finally felt like writing. So here it is :)

Fin Frands

The nitty gritty

So I said on Wednesday that I would post a blog on the weekend. Seeing as what today, Oct. 15th, signifies and the simple fact I needed some time, I'm posting today. This is going to be a somewhat graphic blog. So word the to weary, turn back now. 

    For about the last year Chris and I have discussed adding to the Bailey family. So for almost a year we have tried for another baby. Being that I was fertile myrtle with the boys I figured it would happen quickly. It didn't, I was ok with that though. I knew it would happen when it was supposed to. 

Here's where it gets detailed. September 22 I started my period, and it was normal like mine usually are. They usually last about 5 days then stop. After 12 days it finally stopped. It worried me but it stopped so I didn't worry much more. 5 day later it came back much heavier and didn't lighten up. On day 21 I finally scheduled an appointment with my new Doctor. On day 25 I went to see Dr.Nwadike. The first thing I was told was that I was pregnant. Now, I couldn't help but get excited. For a short second I had forgotten that I had been bleeding for almost 4 weeks. I was concerned but she told me I would need an ultrasound to determine why I was bleeding so heavily. They did an exam that gave me some more hope, my bleeding, though constant wasn't heavy. Blood work was done and I was sent to the hospital to have an ultrasound. I guess becuase of the possible severity of our situation I wasn't allowed to see the screen. After waiting almost two hours I'm sent home. I was told to call back on Monday for my results. I lost it and just cried. Not knowing anything and having to wait four days. During this whole time my amazing husband was by my side making me laugh and being strong for me. An hour after I left the hospital my Doctor called. She explained that after contacting the radiologist she felt I was going through a miscarriage. I felt oddly ok. I called Chris to let him know then I laid in my bed and cried. 

      All day I thought of all the dumb stuff I had done in the previous weeks. Blaming myself for losing the life we created. I know now that there is nothin I could have done to stop it and it was most likely genetic. That doesn't stop the pain though. Though I only knew for a short time it was our baby ,my body still screwed something up. 

   That night I cried like I've never done before. I didn't recognize myself in the wails. What started of as an anxiety attack quickly turned into sobbing and begging for forgiveness. I just couldn't shake the thought that I had done something to end a precious life.

  I perked up a little by Monday . I needed that cry, I needed to grieve. Monday morning I had to be back at the doctor to discuss my options. My doctor is absolutely amazing. Dr.Joy Nwadike is a remarkable individual. I reccomend her to all of my lady friends. She came in and explained that my hormone levels didn't match up with what the radiologist had said. After looking at my ultrasound herself she wanted to be extremely through and check my hormones levels again especially since my pregnancy test,again ,showed positive. If they drop then miscarriage it is. If for some reason they've doubled then a baby decided to show up. In that case more ultrasounds and blood work. 

    It's actually Tuesday as I write this and as of right now I haven't heard from the doctor. I know without a doubt though that it's a miscarriage. I've come to terms with it and I'm healing. 

     I wanted to share my story because

1. Blogging is very therapeutic for me. And most importantly 2. No one ever talks about it. Chris and I both discussed how we knew women who had miscarriages. How we thought "oh " that's it . We never understood what a woman or family goes through. I'm writing this becuase I hope it helps someone. Maybe you'll read this and know how to better comfort your loved one. I mean it for nothing other than that. I'm not writing it for empathy. I love you guys an know you love me. I do ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers throughout this healing process. And remember those who have dealt with pregnancy loss and infant loss. 

Creamy ragu pasta bake

I'm doing this from my phone so I'm sorry for any extra typos 😁 

Ok so what I start with is different every time. This time I used:

1 organic carrot

2 stalks organic celery

1 orange bell pepper

1 medium red onion

Small chili

Entire carton of organic crimini mushrooms (I sliced them thinly

5 cloves of garlic 

2 tablespoons dried oregano 

1 tbs olive oil 

1.5 lb ground turkey

1 6 oz can of tomato paste

Two 28 oz cans crushed tomatoes

Stock cube

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups freshly grated parmigano reggiano 

*****************************

Ok so first I browned the turkey meat. While that was happening I finely chopped all the veggies and sliced the mushrooms and garlic.

Drain turkey at set to the side.

Using the same pan I heat up the olive oil to a med-low heat and add the carrots, celery, and onions. Once those start to soften I added the garlic and mushrooms. You don't want to brown the veggies just soften. 

Then add the tomato paste and oregano cook for about a minute. Add crushed tomatoes, stock cube, and ground turkey. Turn heat up to medium high and cook for about 3 minutes (cover or you'll be covered in tomato sauce)

Reduce heat to medium low again and simmer for about 30 minutes. Then add heavy cream.

Use any pasta you like I use what was in the cupboard quinoa penne with ridges. If it say cook ten minutes cook it only eight minutes . 

Combine pasta and sauce, pour in an oven safe dish cover with cheese an bake at 400 for 20 minutes. 

You can used premade sauce or add whatever you want to your sauce. I literally used what we had at the house. For the bread I bought a loaf of French bread sliced and brushed with olive oil. Bake at 400 until golden then rub immediately with a clove of garlic. Have fun and eat well!

                      Fin Frands

Just a little note

   Hey frands! I've been MIA for a while. Since school has been out I've found it hard to write. Luckily, I've found the time now. 

    I will be posting a proper blog tonight hopefully. Since I've deactivated my FB account I get a lot of nasty messages saying they miss seeing my daily funnies and pictures of the boys. I miss Facebook like CRAZY! eventually, I may  get back to it when I can learn some self control. 

   So tonight I will post a vacation blog for all of you to see the boys :) share with you FB friends if you like :)

                          Fin Frands

     

Bubba

You know that friend you've had practically your entire life? The one you tell everyone is your cousin and that you really are related. Yeah I have one of those. His name is Matt, but I call him Bubba. Why am I writing about him? Well, i've seen a lot of post on facebook lately "____ first dance" . This will be a short one but I want to give credit where credit is due and I've never shared this with anyone not even my Bubba.
        In first grade I saw him and said, I know him and it was uphill from there. We told everyone we were cousins. On the playground he would pretend to be a preacher and I would lead the choir. Recess was our time and the memories I made back then i'll cherish forever. I was in 4th grade when I went to my first school dance. I was having a blast! I was dancing to all of those fantastic late nineties hits. then a slow song came on and one by one couples lined up on the mid court line in the gym at Chatsworth Elementary. Girls with their hands on boys shoulders and boys with their hands on girls waists moving left to right. Not exaggerating when I say I was the only girl not up there. So this was the first time I really had low self esteem. My fourth grade mind was going crazy with all kinds of things. "am i ugly?" "the smelly kid is dancing with someone" "do i smell worse?" "why am I taller than all the boys" "they always pick me first for kickball, why not now?" So 10 year old little Kacey sat on the top seat, in the corner where no one could see her and shed a few tears :( My face was in my hands when someone hugged me. I look up and see my best friend, he didn't say anything just took my hand and walked me down to the floor where everyone was lined up. He just smiled at me and I felt better. This happened to me a lot. I was always friends with boys but i was never the girl with a "boyfriend" Dances would come and No one for slow dances then Matt would come dance with me. I don' care if it was out of pity. He didn't care what anyone thought and he'd dance with me. I know it may not seem like a lot to you guys, but it was friends like this that made me believe I was beautiful. He gave me confidence. As we got older I went to more dances with different guys but my Bubba always saved a dance for me.

We are 27 years old now and have been friends for over 20 years.I love this guy so much and I'm so proud of all that he has done. I'm most proud of the way he loves his family and I include myself in his family. He is good people. I love you Bubba.

look at this studd

Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 5)

This will be the final installment of the R&P saga well at least the newborn part :D I'm going to back track and jump around so stay with me :D

 after this picture was taken only parents were allowed in the NICU because of the H1N1 Virus. My mom , dad, sister, katie, and tim. were the only ones that got to hold the boys while in the NICU

Reagans first feeding from something other than a feeding tube 24 days old :D

and  first burp hehe

Pierce first bottle feeding 24 days old

That was goood! First burp :D(mini Charlie Bailey)

So this was their first feeding. the nurse said We give them 20 minutes then if they don't finish we put it in their tube. Reagan finished in 4 1/2 minutes and Pierce finished in 5 minutes :D they were ready to come home. If you've read my previous blogs you know that my boys were very healthy. They just had to grow and learn to eat :D They also had to bring themselves out of apnea spells. they would get all snuggly and comfy and say "hey this is nice lets stop breathing" we would wait a few seconds and if they didn't breath we'd give them a little nudge. We had to stop the nudging so they could go home. Just when it looked like we'd be going home they'd both be like ah breathing is for the weak boom apnea spell and they would just lay there smiling. not changing a thing. till one week :D neither boy had a spell! wooooo! so we get started on the going home process and Pierce gets a stinking eye infection :( so the boys are moved out of their co bed and into individual beds in pod 2.

After a week we were finally starting the going home process.

My first mother's day :D if all was well we'd go home the next day

Passed Carseat test!!

That night we had to stay in a care by parent room. Reagan was still hooked to a monitor that the nurses could see.  Pierces monitor was there just for our benefit. I was a nervous wreck and didn't sleep a wink. I was afraid they would have an apnea spell. We both stayed up all night watching monitors and listening to the boys breathe.

So this is where I'm sad. we lost a LOT of pictures. going home day. I have the ones from home but the ones from the hospital are gone :(

On May 11th, 2009 We made our way home to Georgia. I sat in the back between the boys. As soon as we pulled in my parents were there to greet us and for first dibs on un tethered lovins! Soon after my sister and Mammaw Katie and Pawpaw Tim came.

Nanny feeding Pierce on his first day home

Still so tiny only 4 lbs at 6 weeks old Sweet baby Rae

Exhausted! Home sweet home!

It was the best Mother's day to date! 

I left out so much but it seems like boring info to me. Maybe one day I'll go back and tell more stories from the NICU. For now I'll stop and say thank you so much to our amazing family and friends. Thank you to all of the nurses, doctors, employees at Erlanger and The Ronald McDonald House. Dont be mad at me Madisun but this is the end

Fin Frands