The nitty gritty

So I said on Wednesday that I would post a blog on the weekend. Seeing as what today, Oct. 15th, signifies and the simple fact I needed some time, I'm posting today. This is going to be a somewhat graphic blog. So word the to weary, turn back now. 

    For about the last year Chris and I have discussed adding to the Bailey family. So for almost a year we have tried for another baby. Being that I was fertile myrtle with the boys I figured it would happen quickly. It didn't, I was ok with that though. I knew it would happen when it was supposed to. 

Here's where it gets detailed. September 22 I started my period, and it was normal like mine usually are. They usually last about 5 days then stop. After 12 days it finally stopped. It worried me but it stopped so I didn't worry much more. 5 day later it came back much heavier and didn't lighten up. On day 21 I finally scheduled an appointment with my new Doctor. On day 25 I went to see Dr.Nwadike. The first thing I was told was that I was pregnant. Now, I couldn't help but get excited. For a short second I had forgotten that I had been bleeding for almost 4 weeks. I was concerned but she told me I would need an ultrasound to determine why I was bleeding so heavily. They did an exam that gave me some more hope, my bleeding, though constant wasn't heavy. Blood work was done and I was sent to the hospital to have an ultrasound. I guess becuase of the possible severity of our situation I wasn't allowed to see the screen. After waiting almost two hours I'm sent home. I was told to call back on Monday for my results. I lost it and just cried. Not knowing anything and having to wait four days. During this whole time my amazing husband was by my side making me laugh and being strong for me. An hour after I left the hospital my Doctor called. She explained that after contacting the radiologist she felt I was going through a miscarriage. I felt oddly ok. I called Chris to let him know then I laid in my bed and cried. 

      All day I thought of all the dumb stuff I had done in the previous weeks. Blaming myself for losing the life we created. I know now that there is nothin I could have done to stop it and it was most likely genetic. That doesn't stop the pain though. Though I only knew for a short time it was our baby ,my body still screwed something up. 

   That night I cried like I've never done before. I didn't recognize myself in the wails. What started of as an anxiety attack quickly turned into sobbing and begging for forgiveness. I just couldn't shake the thought that I had done something to end a precious life.

  I perked up a little by Monday . I needed that cry, I needed to grieve. Monday morning I had to be back at the doctor to discuss my options. My doctor is absolutely amazing. Dr.Joy Nwadike is a remarkable individual. I reccomend her to all of my lady friends. She came in and explained that my hormone levels didn't match up with what the radiologist had said. After looking at my ultrasound herself she wanted to be extremely through and check my hormones levels again especially since my pregnancy test,again ,showed positive. If they drop then miscarriage it is. If for some reason they've doubled then a baby decided to show up. In that case more ultrasounds and blood work. 

    It's actually Tuesday as I write this and as of right now I haven't heard from the doctor. I know without a doubt though that it's a miscarriage. I've come to terms with it and I'm healing. 

     I wanted to share my story because

1. Blogging is very therapeutic for me. And most importantly 2. No one ever talks about it. Chris and I both discussed how we knew women who had miscarriages. How we thought "oh " that's it . We never understood what a woman or family goes through. I'm writing this becuase I hope it helps someone. Maybe you'll read this and know how to better comfort your loved one. I mean it for nothing other than that. I'm not writing it for empathy. I love you guys an know you love me. I do ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers throughout this healing process. And remember those who have dealt with pregnancy loss and infant loss. 

Creamy ragu pasta bake

I'm doing this from my phone so I'm sorry for any extra typos 😁 

Ok so what I start with is different every time. This time I used:

1 organic carrot

2 stalks organic celery

1 orange bell pepper

1 medium red onion

Small chili

Entire carton of organic crimini mushrooms (I sliced them thinly

5 cloves of garlic 

2 tablespoons dried oregano 

1 tbs olive oil 

1.5 lb ground turkey

1 6 oz can of tomato paste

Two 28 oz cans crushed tomatoes

Stock cube

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups freshly grated parmigano reggiano 

*****************************

Ok so first I browned the turkey meat. While that was happening I finely chopped all the veggies and sliced the mushrooms and garlic.

Drain turkey at set to the side.

Using the same pan I heat up the olive oil to a med-low heat and add the carrots, celery, and onions. Once those start to soften I added the garlic and mushrooms. You don't want to brown the veggies just soften. 

Then add the tomato paste and oregano cook for about a minute. Add crushed tomatoes, stock cube, and ground turkey. Turn heat up to medium high and cook for about 3 minutes (cover or you'll be covered in tomato sauce)

Reduce heat to medium low again and simmer for about 30 minutes. Then add heavy cream.

Use any pasta you like I use what was in the cupboard quinoa penne with ridges. If it say cook ten minutes cook it only eight minutes . 

Combine pasta and sauce, pour in an oven safe dish cover with cheese an bake at 400 for 20 minutes. 

You can used premade sauce or add whatever you want to your sauce. I literally used what we had at the house. For the bread I bought a loaf of French bread sliced and brushed with olive oil. Bake at 400 until golden then rub immediately with a clove of garlic. Have fun and eat well!

                      Fin Frands

Just a little note

   Hey frands! I've been MIA for a while. Since school has been out I've found it hard to write. Luckily, I've found the time now. 

    I will be posting a proper blog tonight hopefully. Since I've deactivated my FB account I get a lot of nasty messages saying they miss seeing my daily funnies and pictures of the boys. I miss Facebook like CRAZY! eventually, I may  get back to it when I can learn some self control. 

   So tonight I will post a vacation blog for all of you to see the boys :) share with you FB friends if you like :)

                          Fin Frands

     

Bubba

You know that friend you've had practically your entire life? The one you tell everyone is your cousin and that you really are related. Yeah I have one of those. His name is Matt, but I call him Bubba. Why am I writing about him? Well, i've seen a lot of post on facebook lately "____ first dance" . This will be a short one but I want to give credit where credit is due and I've never shared this with anyone not even my Bubba.
        In first grade I saw him and said, I know him and it was uphill from there. We told everyone we were cousins. On the playground he would pretend to be a preacher and I would lead the choir. Recess was our time and the memories I made back then i'll cherish forever. I was in 4th grade when I went to my first school dance. I was having a blast! I was dancing to all of those fantastic late nineties hits. then a slow song came on and one by one couples lined up on the mid court line in the gym at Chatsworth Elementary. Girls with their hands on boys shoulders and boys with their hands on girls waists moving left to right. Not exaggerating when I say I was the only girl not up there. So this was the first time I really had low self esteem. My fourth grade mind was going crazy with all kinds of things. "am i ugly?" "the smelly kid is dancing with someone" "do i smell worse?" "why am I taller than all the boys" "they always pick me first for kickball, why not now?" So 10 year old little Kacey sat on the top seat, in the corner where no one could see her and shed a few tears :( My face was in my hands when someone hugged me. I look up and see my best friend, he didn't say anything just took my hand and walked me down to the floor where everyone was lined up. He just smiled at me and I felt better. This happened to me a lot. I was always friends with boys but i was never the girl with a "boyfriend" Dances would come and No one for slow dances then Matt would come dance with me. I don' care if it was out of pity. He didn't care what anyone thought and he'd dance with me. I know it may not seem like a lot to you guys, but it was friends like this that made me believe I was beautiful. He gave me confidence. As we got older I went to more dances with different guys but my Bubba always saved a dance for me.

We are 27 years old now and have been friends for over 20 years.I love this guy so much and I'm so proud of all that he has done. I'm most proud of the way he loves his family and I include myself in his family. He is good people. I love you Bubba.

look at this studd

Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 5)

This will be the final installment of the R&P saga well at least the newborn part :D I'm going to back track and jump around so stay with me :D

 after this picture was taken only parents were allowed in the NICU because of the H1N1 Virus. My mom , dad, sister, katie, and tim. were the only ones that got to hold the boys while in the NICU

Reagans first feeding from something other than a feeding tube 24 days old :D

and  first burp hehe

Pierce first bottle feeding 24 days old

That was goood! First burp :D(mini Charlie Bailey)

So this was their first feeding. the nurse said We give them 20 minutes then if they don't finish we put it in their tube. Reagan finished in 4 1/2 minutes and Pierce finished in 5 minutes :D they were ready to come home. If you've read my previous blogs you know that my boys were very healthy. They just had to grow and learn to eat :D They also had to bring themselves out of apnea spells. they would get all snuggly and comfy and say "hey this is nice lets stop breathing" we would wait a few seconds and if they didn't breath we'd give them a little nudge. We had to stop the nudging so they could go home. Just when it looked like we'd be going home they'd both be like ah breathing is for the weak boom apnea spell and they would just lay there smiling. not changing a thing. till one week :D neither boy had a spell! wooooo! so we get started on the going home process and Pierce gets a stinking eye infection :( so the boys are moved out of their co bed and into individual beds in pod 2.

After a week we were finally starting the going home process.

My first mother's day :D if all was well we'd go home the next day

Passed Carseat test!!

That night we had to stay in a care by parent room. Reagan was still hooked to a monitor that the nurses could see.  Pierces monitor was there just for our benefit. I was a nervous wreck and didn't sleep a wink. I was afraid they would have an apnea spell. We both stayed up all night watching monitors and listening to the boys breathe.

So this is where I'm sad. we lost a LOT of pictures. going home day. I have the ones from home but the ones from the hospital are gone :(

On May 11th, 2009 We made our way home to Georgia. I sat in the back between the boys. As soon as we pulled in my parents were there to greet us and for first dibs on un tethered lovins! Soon after my sister and Mammaw Katie and Pawpaw Tim came.

Nanny feeding Pierce on his first day home

Still so tiny only 4 lbs at 6 weeks old Sweet baby Rae

Exhausted! Home sweet home!

It was the best Mother's day to date! 

I left out so much but it seems like boring info to me. Maybe one day I'll go back and tell more stories from the NICU. For now I'll stop and say thank you so much to our amazing family and friends. Thank you to all of the nurses, doctors, employees at Erlanger and The Ronald McDonald House. Dont be mad at me Madisun but this is the end

Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 4) also...It's my birthday!!!

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 3)

       After I was released from recovery I was wheeled in my bed to a very small room. The attendant didn't feel that the group of people behind me would fit so he found a HUGE room. I was still high and very excited. It was dark outside so I'm not sure what time it was. It took them a few hours for them to get the boys set up in the NICU. After getting settled I was finally allowed to see my babies. Again, I was high from pain meds so this night is kindly fuzzy. I remember Chris pushed me in a wheelchair through the big double doors. I had to wash my hands then I was wheeled to Reagan. It was dark, I still wasn't able to touch them but I stared at my baby boy and smiled. He was wearing his little c-pap hat and had tubes everywhere. Then I was moved to the back of the pod to see my Piercey. Just as the other nurse did (which I didn't mention) Pierce's nurse lowered his isolet so I could see him. I couldn't stop smiling. They were perfect and healthy. My heart was so full of love. We had a large group of people waiting to see the boys so I was taken back to my room and given a red popsicle, I hate cherry :(, but it was the most amazing popsicle I had ever tasted. I sat in my room alone for a bit while Chris took visitors in one by one. I had time to think. I thought about how amazing God is. He gave me my precious miracles and gave me an unending peace about their health.
      After everyone saw the boys most of them went home. Our family stayed and came back to the room. I will never forget this moment. I was starving and I couldn't have anything but water, no more popsicles, nothing. In walks someone with a GIANT bag of Krystals. The smell was heavenly. They passed around food and ate, and ate, and ate. Paying no mind to me sitting on the bed salivating. My bestie Gayle pulled the privacy curtain and sat with me and made me giggle. Chris my sweet husband quit eating and came and sat with me. I wasn't mad at all. They had been there just as long as I had with no food. I finally convinced him  to eat. Everyone left and it was just me and Chris in our big room with balloons and krystals. They gave me more medicine and I passed out. No one told me they come in every hour to push on your stomach :(
      The next Morning I woke up and my nurse asked if I would like to see the boys for my first hands on. DUH I got up out of the bed while she was in the bathroom and was fixing my gowns to make sure nothing was showing. She came out of the bathroom and looked like she'd seen a ghost. " Mrs.Bailey PLEASE sit down slowly. What are you doing up?" apparently you aren't supposed to get up less than 24 hours after surgery and walk. No one told me. After i showed her i was fine she let me push my wheelchair for support to the NICU
. With Chris and nurse in tow I headed down the hall slowly. This wasn't bad at all. Walk into the NICU wash my hands and head to Pod 3. I got a lot of comments regarding my walking 13 hours after my surgery. I had my chair and I was determined to have my hands on time. So I went to Reagan first.

Reagan Sydney Bailey 2 lbs 14oz 14 inches long

Checking body Temp for the first time

First time changing Rea's Diaper

You can get a better idea of how small they were in these pictures. You can also see how hot I looked bwahahaha!

After this I very gracefully fell into my wheelchair. I felt like the whole room was spinning.

I had spinal headaches :( no fun. i felt like i might vomit. so Chris did the hands on with Pierce

Pierce Cameron Bailey 2lbs 15oz 15 inches long

First temp check with daddy

Pierce's first diaper change with Daddy

       We were both terrified. As I was changing Reagan I was checking everything. Making sure everything was in the right place. Definitely a boy...theres a hole but where is his butt? I started to cry thinking my baby was born without butt cheeks. The nurse read my mind and said "honey, he has to grow those cheeks, they'll come in soon enough" Her name was Jenna, you'll learn more about her later. We love her! It was the best feeling getting to touch my babies. I wouldn't be able to hold them for a while but this would hold me over. We did this every three hours for a few weeks. I spent 5 days at the hospital until we could get a room at the Ronald McDonald house. During those 5 days i ditched my wheelchair and saw my babies as much as possible. The boys were doing great. As you can tell from the pictures they weaned themselves off the cpap machines. a few days later they both pulled their oxygen cannulas off and were on room air. they were amazing their nurses and doctors. Day four brought a little valley. Pierce's echocardiogram came back and showed he had an open heart valve. He was not allowed to eat for thee day. They were going to try medicine first and if that didn't work we would need to discuss open heart surgery. Thankfully, one round of medicine closed it up!

         It was time to head to our home for the next few weeks Room 302. The beds were comfort select. Essentially air mattress with a remote to control the air. We were relaxing on the bed and had it at the perfect number when Allison my sister in law called. She was trying to find the RMH. In an attempt to help his sister, Chris jumps off the bed and goes to the window. Boom! my back smacked into the wood support of the bed. OMG it hurt. my stomach felt like it might rip off my body. yeah he felt bad, I cried and laughed.

      That night after the last hands on for the day we went to our room and sat on our bed. this was my first night out of a hospital bed.I guess being in the hospital masked the fact that My babies were not "with" me. I looked at my stomach, it was empty. I looked at my arms, there was no baby in them. I felt alone. This was the only time I "lost it" i ugly cried. Chris held me and I fell asleep eyes swollen and snotty nose.

To be continued...

Fin Frands

                                                                           

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 2)

     Okay, I was going to wait a while before I wrote this part but a LOT of people asked that I do part two today. Where were we? Oh yeah going 90 mph up I-75 at 3am. I was scared initially but by this time I was just wondering if my boys were going to be ok. When I'm nervous I awkwardly try to be funny. When we arrived to the hospital The EMT's took me to the wrong floor so they wheeled me onto the elevator. I looked right at Chris and say "geeze babe, you could have brushed your hair" I was joking but he was serious and started to explain he didn't have time blah blah blah. he looked like he might cry so I had to tell him I was kidding. We finally make it to L&D, the EMT's helped me off the gurnee. At this time all I'm wearing is a hospital gown and I feel the breeze. Here comes the awkwardness. I look at the two male EMT's and say "Guys its been nice, but I'm upset you got to see my naked butt and I didn't even get dinner." They laughed, I hope because they thought it was funny but probably because they felt sorry for me.
      I was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, given a catheter, and told not to get out of bed. I was also put on Magnesium Sulfate to help stop my pre-term labor. If you didn't know, this stuff SUCKS. I wasn't allowed water or ice chips because at anytime they might need to take the boys. this Magnesium stuff made me feel like I had the flu. It made my mouth dry out so bad that my tongue and lips were cracking and bleeding. Lets not forget the contractions. The doctor said mine weren't registering because they were so strong. So without my consent I was given high doses of pain meds.  I also had to be given steroids to help build up the boys lungs. (this went on FOREVER) I was passed out from the pain meds and would only wake up when I had a contraction. They wanted to keep the boys in there at least two more days and since I was only dilated a 1/2 cm they seemed hopeful. I knew that wasnt gonna happen.
      Did I mention I was wearing nothing but a gown. SO many people came to the hospital. I was very grateful but I was also very naked.  passing out, nip slips, and nurses coming in messing with my vagina. My dad was on his knees praying the whole time, my mom was on one side of me and chris was on the other holding my hand through contractions . Katie, my mother in law, was crying and praying and crying :D I could give you the details of the next 13 hours but frankly I was passed out through most of it.
      I was hurting extremely bad so the sent the doctor and she checked me. Still 1/2 cm. I pass out. I was up screaming from the pain and my Mom is holding my hand. I freak out "I love you Momma but where is Chris" She gives me that Im sorry look and says "Katie is taking him home to get some clothes since the doctor said it would be a while" I scream " THEY ARE COMING NOW" Momma gets ahold of them, there were just a couple of minutes away and were turning around. she tried to calm me down but I pitched a fit until the Doctor came. The Doctor looks at me and with the ugliest attitude said " I was just in here 15 minutes ago and you are only 1/2 cm" I keep my calm and ask God to hold my rage at bay " Check me again, now..please" She checks, looks at me and says "honey you're right, you are at 9 1/2 cm lets meet these boys" I pass out. I wake up and there are a few men in the room. they are they neonatal doctors. I'll condense their schpiel into this "Your babies will not be breathing, you will not hear them cry, you won't be able to see them, they will need to be put on a ventilator, and will stay in the NICU until at least their due date. While in the NICU they will most likely have to have multiple blood transfusions and possible surgeries." Everyone was crying. God had given me incredible peace. I wasn't worried at all. The nurses came in and got me ready for my emergency c-section.

My sweet husband letting me break his had before I headed in to surgery.

   I was set on what looked like a 2x4 my nurse was the size of a popsicle stick and i was told to lean on her for support. I told her I might break her. The anesthesiologist told me he was going to stick the needle in my back and need be to be very still. As soon as the needle touched my back I had a contraction. He told me how awesome I was for not moving during my contraction while a needle was in my spine. Oh thanks Doc, i really wanted to jump and be paralyzed.. They laid me down on the 2x4 and stretched my arms out beside me . I told them I felt like Jesus. (why must i say these things) They brought Chris in and started cutting. In this very small room with me I had two doctors, two anesthesiologist, My two nurses, a team of four for Reagan, a team of four for Pierce, a class observing my cesarean and Chris. I was high as a kite Chris watched as they cut me open. Then before i know it I hear the sweetest thing. Reagan was born at 5:24pm screaming with his strong little lungs. I hear a nurse say "Oh my gosh he has red hair!" They bring him up to see me, he was beautiful. Another sweet cry 30 seconds later and Pierce was born at 5:24pm also. "oh my gosh they both have red hair!" Pierce is brought over so I can look at him. His little mouth wide and screaming. my Gorgeous boy. My heart was about to bust with love. i remember my cheeks hurting from smiling so big. Chris kept kissing me and holding my face. 

        So they had already proved the doctors wrong with their powerful lungs which allowed me to see my babies before they took them to the NICU. I was sent to recovery where lots of people who I dont really remember came to see me . I do remember this though. Chris had somehow gotten blood on his pants and the anesthesiologist pointed it out and said "is that blood?" to which I replied " It's merlot" i was still kind of high. He laughed and said "Did you just quote Superbad?" yes I did, because i'm cool like that so I just shake my head yes "you're awesome" he said. Yeah I know. I know you wont like this but I'm stopping here . There will be a part three soon! thanks to everyone for the support! Subscribe!

                                                                          Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney and Pierce Cameron (part 1)

As I sit here, no sleep to be had, I look at my sweet boys. They are both sick right now. Ive been up all night changing cool cloths,rubbing bellies, and the oh so glamorous, emptying puke buckets! I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world! I thought today would be a great day to write about my pregnancy and how the boys came to be. This may bet a little wordy and maybe a little tmi =D

           I had been married a whopping 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. So what Kacey. Well here's some tmi. I was taking birth control, never missed a day, taking it at the same time everyday, and using other forms of protection. Move over Fertile Mertile, I had been sexually active a whole 2 months and boom that blue plus sign was screaming at me. I took the test in my church bathroom hoping my prayers to God would be heard better. They went a little like this "God, I want children, eventually, just not now. Please, please, please let this be bad PMS and a virus!" As soon as I so gracefully peed on that stick the plus sign showed. I sat there for a good twenty minutes. Chris was waiting outside. I yell from within the bathroom. "um, babe"...
         Lets fast forward to ten weeks later, the night before my first ultrasound. I'm sitting in my living room with my pregnant best friend Tippi. I might want to mention at this time that Tippi was expecting twins. Something I had told her since she found out. So here we are, sitting on my couch when Tippi crouches down to my belly and says "hello my little babies, I don't know if you're girls or boys but I know there are two of you. Mommy doesn't think so, but I know" She was crazy. I have no history of twins in my family, do  I? The whole way to the my checkup the next day I was pleading internally "please be one, I know its two, but please be one" Chris kept asking if I was ok and I shook my head afraid to voice my fears out loud.
        A very sweet tech named Andrea started my ultrasound. As soon as the picture came on the screen I see two round things and I ask "um, is that two?" to which she enthusiastically replies " oh my goodness, yes, you caught it before I did" this is what went through my mind and also came out of my mouth "OH CRAP" "OH NO" "OH CRAP" Then I hear chuckling, then laughter. My husband is thrilled and just laughing his tail off at me freaking out.

I guess I looked like I might pass out in the lobby, strangers were holding my hand asking me if everything was ok. All I could say was "there's two" I called everyone, saved Tippi for last who said " if you are lying to me I will never be your friend again" Chris was grinning from ear to ear. at this point I'm still in shock and would stay that way for the day.

24 weeks here

       My nerves finally calmed down and I was beaming with joy. I threw up everyday at least twice and cried because I thought I thought I was too fat for Chris to feel them move. I was dumb, he could feel them. I was 17 weeks when I found out I was having two boys. I was so excited and relieved. God knows I couldn't handle two girls. My Momma was overjoyed. She had always wanted a little boy and now she would have two grandsons. I loved being pregnant! I was loosing weight and feeling my boys move was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.

       I has just turned 28 weeks when we registered at a few places and picked out paint for the nursery. My Daddy decided to cook for me on March 31st. I hadn't really been able to eat much but this day I felt I could eat a horse...and a pig.  I felt like I had hiked up Mount Everest and my butt was going to fall off. The pain did not stop me from eating a huge steak, baked potato, and salad. Then My moms steak and potato =D It was so nice being able to eat with out two heads digging into my rib cage.

        Late that night Chris was in his study and I was scarfing down Life cereal. Where did all this room come from? I noticed it was just after 1am meaning it was April Fools day.I got up and headed towards the study.Half way there I thought better of screaming "MY WATER BROKE!" didn't want to jinx myself, geeze. I headed back to bed and watched PBS. Chris came in the bedroom about 2:25 got ready for bed turned off the TV. He kissed me and said goodnight. I roll over and no joke, as soon as I do this my water breaks. I sat straight up and screamed "MY WATER BROKE" to which Chris replied "Are you sure?" I wanted to punch him. I jumped up, got dressed, and put my hair up. I look at Chris and he is standing in the same spot, frozen in his boxer briefs. He looks at me and says "What do we do!?!?!" I had to laugh after telling him to put clothes on. 

          After getting in the truck (it was pouring rain btw) I call my mom then L&D. I didn't realize till now that I was violently jerking. I was very scared and nervous. I was only 28 weeks. I called Chris's Stepdad and he hung up on me thinking I was joking. everyone else I called believed me and headed up to the hospital. I called Tim (fatherinlaw) back and said "i'm not joking, my water broke and we are headed to L&D"

    They checked me out and put me in an ambulance to Erlanger. I think I'll end this here to be continued later.                                                        

                                                                    Fin Frands

Something I never thought I'd do

Most of you have known me for a very long time. When most people describe me its always the same HAPPY, SWEET, HAPPY, CARING,HAPPY. I am a happy person. I mean look at my boys, how could I not be? What I'm getting at is I was always that happy kid and I was also always the chunky kid. My weight has never bothered me. I am married to the love of my life who uplifts me daily. My parents never talked negatively about my body. Positive body image CHECK! I have it. Im not depressed because I weigh 330 lbs. I am ready to change it though for my boys. I want to be here with them as long as possible and if I can prolong my life by being healthier then thats what I'm going to do. I don't have a weight loss goal. I do, however, have a goal to run a 5k.  I want to be able to run the whole thing without stopping and feeling great about it!Another goal is to have my uplifting Husband, actually lift me up :D it will happen! I don't know how i'm going to get there but I will. I've realized I have to do it, no one else can make me but me. I know i'll have all the support in the world. I'm asking you guys to keep me in check! Short blog but I needed to do this so I can hold myself accountable. I almost posted some before pictures but I'm not really ready to share those.Instead I'll share these which show my flub but under clothes :D

Thanks for reading!

Fin Frands

The red-headed stud that started all these shenanigans

      Well it's been a minute...This will be the story of  how Chris and I became an "us" <3 Barf.

         I want to start at the beginning, not because its fantastic, but it started this way. I was in 10th grade choir and was sat next to my soon to be bff Jessica, whose boyfriend was Chris. Oh no Kacey! You didn't? How could you! Just hear me out.
        .
        He thought I was a boy before we met because everyone still called me Charley back then. We spent a great deal of time hanging out and such with a group of friends from church. Chris and I became friends. I had no romantic feelings toward this ginger what so ever.
        Weeks passed, summer came, and they broke up. I was a great bff! Sleepovers, grapes/watermelon, and crazy immature fun! I also shunned my new friend Chris for the sake of my bff Jess.  My Momma missed him coming over to the house. I didn't worry about it though. He was cool but Jess was like a sister to me so it was nothing to drop that friendship for her. A few month later Jess encouraged me to talk to him, our parents had became bff's so going to his house was inevitable, so I did. He was a great friend we talked on yahoo messenger and hung out with the old group again. We had a pretend wedding with Jess officiating. After this he suggested we go on Husband and Wife dates. I was all for it! We had so much fun just hanging out, did I mention he was a great friend. In my mind that's what he was, a friend. We went to places like the movies, swinging at the playground, and walmart :D. He came to my house watched movies and hung out with my Momma. Oh no! I was falling for him. I can't like him, Jess will hate me. So quit hanging out with him.It hurt so much to think I would hurt my best friend
    It wasn't long after this Jess,without me knowing, had a convo with Chris. Chris is a VERY private person. She asked if he liked me "Sure, I like everyone" blah blah blah. after much prodding from Jess he finally said "yes, I like Kacey more than just a friend" WHAT! this was news to me but I must hide my admiration! Jess then went on to say that she knew we were meant for each other. She asked me if I liked him, I couldn't lie to her. Who got the wheel moving? Jessica (thank you girl! I am eternally grateful) He started coming over again. I still doubted that he liked me more than a friend until he held my hand. Then when I wasn't looking he was very sneaky and kissed me. Blush*aww *mush. December 11th, it was getting late and he had to be home so I walked him outside it was FREEZING! He stood there FOR-EV-ER looking up shuffling his feet and being all fidgety. He grabbed my hand looked into my eyes and said "What are the chances of a boy like you and a girl like me taking this relationship a step further" Kacey was very confused. This was a reference to his favorite movie Dumb and Dumber (my mom never let me watch it) so I reply with a super confused look on my face" ummmm good??" We laughed (mushy stuff) then said our goodbyes, it was past his curfew. I'm sure i'll finish the story of my lubba and me later but this is all for now.

Fin Frands

Ugh Snow

I ,KaceyB, LOATHE snow. Yes it's beautiful to look at, but I hate it. I don't like it when it's cold, wet, and nasty. Give me sun and flip flops any day! Well that was it about that. I'm still getting use to blogging. I'm not the best at it. Thank you all though for reading and for the encouragement. I also what to thank my sister for being my critic and telling me what I did wrong. She doesn't sugar coat and I love that about her <3
                                               So today I want to talk about my boys

They are my life, I would do anything for them. I'm a Momma and proud of it. One day I'll talk about their adventure coming into this world. Today I just want you to know how awesome they are. 

This is Reagan. He is my mini me :D Colored up like his Daddy but looks like his Momma. He loves tomatoes, Power Rangers, and his cat Rhubarb. If you ask him, he works at the dollar store and when he grows up big like his Daddy he wants to work at Big V. He is my accident prone baby. He knocked his head on everything during his new found walking and climbing abilities. He's had the tip of his finger severed and most recently I busted his head while opening the car door. He loves to learn. Shapes, patterns and math are his favorite subjects. His imaginary friend is his Grandma and her dog. Very morbid tidbit, but they (the imaginary Gran and dog) die every week. He's can be a complete turd. However, after being a turd he feels bad and tries with everything to make his wrong right,

This Is Pierce. He looks just like my husband and my Momma. He unfortunately acts just like his drama queen Momma. He loves to loves tomatoes, Power Rangers, but he isn't a huge animal guy. He makes up the best songs and stories. He has a big heart and hates to see other hurt. His brother will hit him or something, Pierce will tell on him. This leads to Reagan getting in trouble, crying, and being comforted by Pierce. His favorite people in the whole world are his Bff's Aven and Jace. His imaginary friends change from day to day. He loves to dress up as super heroes. He always want to help me cook. His favorite part of school are girls, dancing, and patterns. Lord does he have a temper not a red headed temper but a Kacey Charles temper :D

These boogers keep me in stitches with their constant knock knock jokes and outrageous stories. I usually have some sort of dragon or monster in my room. My house is always full of laughter. If you follow me on Facebook you get my accounts of what comes out of their precious mouths. Is it ever quite or clean in the Bailey house? Nope :D 

They both have the most amazing imaginations. They always pretend to be a character from a book or movie. Gender doesn't stop them. This is where I get all Momma Bear, I'll cut you if demean my children for playing make believe. I have had friends and family tell R&P they need to pretend to be a boy. They pretend to be who they want. They don't think, ah lets stir up trouble . All they care about is how awesome that person or character is. I will not tell them to pretend to be something else. I do not want them to have any negative connotations with women. I want them to see people's hearts not their gender. I've heard it all "your messing him up" "they are going to be gay when they grow up" "if you keep letting this happen they are going to be confused" My boys will be loved by their Dad and me. Unconditional and unfailing love no matter what.

Whatever my babies grow up to be, I will always be their mother. I will be there with open arms full of love. This is what I'm made to do

Momma (possibly my longest and most depressing blog)

My sweet, adorably short Momma. No person on this earth has loved nor ever will  love me as much as she did. I can say this without doubt now because I'm a mother. My sister and I were her world, she was a very needy person she constantly needed someone to love her. Kelly and I filled that spot with ease. We were never allowed beyond our yard for the fear of someone taking us or hitting us with their car. Our world was semi perfect in that she did everything to never let anyone hurt us. My sister was cripplingly attached and had panic attacks when away from Momma. 

I said in my first post, she was the most selfless person I have ever known, she was also the most compassionate. She never taught me how to put on makeup or be super girly, that wasn't her thing. What I did learn from my Momma was to love unconditionally. I watched her take care of her Mother and Father while they were sick. My Franny Betty was diagnosed with ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease in 2007. My momma and daddy moved in and took care of her until her passing four short month later in October 2007. She lost her sister, one brother, father, and mother all too soon. It hurt so much to see her go through each of those.

   I was married the next summer in 2008. Momma was so excited and sad. I would be leaving her and moving in with my husband. She helped me get ready, calmed my nerves and held me. Lord did she love  Chris. She couldn't be happier with my hubby :D She insisted on many occasions that she married him first and i couldn't have him,hussy. Two whole whoppin months later and I find out I'm pregnant. Talk about the most excited woman in the world, she was the first person I told. I thought my momma might do a back flip and pee her pants. She went to Dr's visits with me, took care of me when I was sick. It was awesome having her there for my pregnancy. My boys came very early, she was there every step of the way.

First hands on with Reagan

First time holding her babies

She was made to be Reagan and Pierce's Nannie. She and my sister watched them when I went back to work.  During this time she had a lot of problems with what we thought was carpal tunnel. It got to where she couldn't hold the boys without someones help. It broke her heart. She started losing weight and refused to believe that it was something worse. we would find out later that summer of 2010 that she, like my Franny Betty, had ALS. She went from the chubby cheeked Nannie above to skin and bones in no time

She still insisted on wearing her 3x shirts hehe

Als is a horrific and terminal illness. She lost all control of her muscles. By 2011 She had to use a wheelchair and had trouble speaking. She got very sick that June after a rough bout with Septicemia we almost lost her but she was stubborn and wouldn't have it. She came home to her babies :D

August 13th, after days of holding on, our precious Momma passed away. My daddy was right by her side. Worst day of my life. I wanted to say that I was happy she was no longer in pain and no longer suffering, I really was. The truth is I was incredibly selfish. I didn't want her to go. I didn't have enough time with her, 24 years was not enough. It still isn't. It's going on 3 years and it still hurts. My sister will be getting married this year; it breaks my heart to know she wont have my momma like I did. DEPRESSING sorry :D  It won't be as long and depressing next time. I loved my Momma and miss her everyday. She was my best friend

Fin Frands