The nitty gritty

So I said on Wednesday that I would post a blog on the weekend. Seeing as what today, Oct. 15th, signifies and the simple fact I needed some time, I'm posting today. This is going to be a somewhat graphic blog. So word the to weary, turn back now. 

    For about the last year Chris and I have discussed adding to the Bailey family. So for almost a year we have tried for another baby. Being that I was fertile myrtle with the boys I figured it would happen quickly. It didn't, I was ok with that though. I knew it would happen when it was supposed to. 

Here's where it gets detailed. September 22 I started my period, and it was normal like mine usually are. They usually last about 5 days then stop. After 12 days it finally stopped. It worried me but it stopped so I didn't worry much more. 5 day later it came back much heavier and didn't lighten up. On day 21 I finally scheduled an appointment with my new Doctor. On day 25 I went to see Dr.Nwadike. The first thing I was told was that I was pregnant. Now, I couldn't help but get excited. For a short second I had forgotten that I had been bleeding for almost 4 weeks. I was concerned but she told me I would need an ultrasound to determine why I was bleeding so heavily. They did an exam that gave me some more hope, my bleeding, though constant wasn't heavy. Blood work was done and I was sent to the hospital to have an ultrasound. I guess becuase of the possible severity of our situation I wasn't allowed to see the screen. After waiting almost two hours I'm sent home. I was told to call back on Monday for my results. I lost it and just cried. Not knowing anything and having to wait four days. During this whole time my amazing husband was by my side making me laugh and being strong for me. An hour after I left the hospital my Doctor called. She explained that after contacting the radiologist she felt I was going through a miscarriage. I felt oddly ok. I called Chris to let him know then I laid in my bed and cried. 

      All day I thought of all the dumb stuff I had done in the previous weeks. Blaming myself for losing the life we created. I know now that there is nothin I could have done to stop it and it was most likely genetic. That doesn't stop the pain though. Though I only knew for a short time it was our baby ,my body still screwed something up. 

   That night I cried like I've never done before. I didn't recognize myself in the wails. What started of as an anxiety attack quickly turned into sobbing and begging for forgiveness. I just couldn't shake the thought that I had done something to end a precious life.

  I perked up a little by Monday . I needed that cry, I needed to grieve. Monday morning I had to be back at the doctor to discuss my options. My doctor is absolutely amazing. Dr.Joy Nwadike is a remarkable individual. I reccomend her to all of my lady friends. She came in and explained that my hormone levels didn't match up with what the radiologist had said. After looking at my ultrasound herself she wanted to be extremely through and check my hormones levels again especially since my pregnancy test,again ,showed positive. If they drop then miscarriage it is. If for some reason they've doubled then a baby decided to show up. In that case more ultrasounds and blood work. 

    It's actually Tuesday as I write this and as of right now I haven't heard from the doctor. I know without a doubt though that it's a miscarriage. I've come to terms with it and I'm healing. 

     I wanted to share my story because

1. Blogging is very therapeutic for me. And most importantly 2. No one ever talks about it. Chris and I both discussed how we knew women who had miscarriages. How we thought "oh " that's it . We never understood what a woman or family goes through. I'm writing this becuase I hope it helps someone. Maybe you'll read this and know how to better comfort your loved one. I mean it for nothing other than that. I'm not writing it for empathy. I love you guys an know you love me. I do ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers throughout this healing process. And remember those who have dealt with pregnancy loss and infant loss. 

Creamy ragu pasta bake

I'm doing this from my phone so I'm sorry for any extra typos 😁 

Ok so what I start with is different every time. This time I used:

1 organic carrot

2 stalks organic celery

1 orange bell pepper

1 medium red onion

Small chili

Entire carton of organic crimini mushrooms (I sliced them thinly

5 cloves of garlic 

2 tablespoons dried oregano 

1 tbs olive oil 

1.5 lb ground turkey

1 6 oz can of tomato paste

Two 28 oz cans crushed tomatoes

Stock cube

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups freshly grated parmigano reggiano 

*****************************

Ok so first I browned the turkey meat. While that was happening I finely chopped all the veggies and sliced the mushrooms and garlic.

Drain turkey at set to the side.

Using the same pan I heat up the olive oil to a med-low heat and add the carrots, celery, and onions. Once those start to soften I added the garlic and mushrooms. You don't want to brown the veggies just soften. 

Then add the tomato paste and oregano cook for about a minute. Add crushed tomatoes, stock cube, and ground turkey. Turn heat up to medium high and cook for about 3 minutes (cover or you'll be covered in tomato sauce)

Reduce heat to medium low again and simmer for about 30 minutes. Then add heavy cream.

Use any pasta you like I use what was in the cupboard quinoa penne with ridges. If it say cook ten minutes cook it only eight minutes . 

Combine pasta and sauce, pour in an oven safe dish cover with cheese an bake at 400 for 20 minutes. 

You can used premade sauce or add whatever you want to your sauce. I literally used what we had at the house. For the bread I bought a loaf of French bread sliced and brushed with olive oil. Bake at 400 until golden then rub immediately with a clove of garlic. Have fun and eat well!

                      Fin Frands

Just a little note

   Hey frands! I've been MIA for a while. Since school has been out I've found it hard to write. Luckily, I've found the time now. 

    I will be posting a proper blog tonight hopefully. Since I've deactivated my FB account I get a lot of nasty messages saying they miss seeing my daily funnies and pictures of the boys. I miss Facebook like CRAZY! eventually, I may  get back to it when I can learn some self control. 

   So tonight I will post a vacation blog for all of you to see the boys :) share with you FB friends if you like :)

                          Fin Frands

     

Bubba

You know that friend you've had practically your entire life? The one you tell everyone is your cousin and that you really are related. Yeah I have one of those. His name is Matt, but I call him Bubba. Why am I writing about him? Well, i've seen a lot of post on facebook lately "____ first dance" . This will be a short one but I want to give credit where credit is due and I've never shared this with anyone not even my Bubba.
        In first grade I saw him and said, I know him and it was uphill from there. We told everyone we were cousins. On the playground he would pretend to be a preacher and I would lead the choir. Recess was our time and the memories I made back then i'll cherish forever. I was in 4th grade when I went to my first school dance. I was having a blast! I was dancing to all of those fantastic late nineties hits. then a slow song came on and one by one couples lined up on the mid court line in the gym at Chatsworth Elementary. Girls with their hands on boys shoulders and boys with their hands on girls waists moving left to right. Not exaggerating when I say I was the only girl not up there. So this was the first time I really had low self esteem. My fourth grade mind was going crazy with all kinds of things. "am i ugly?" "the smelly kid is dancing with someone" "do i smell worse?" "why am I taller than all the boys" "they always pick me first for kickball, why not now?" So 10 year old little Kacey sat on the top seat, in the corner where no one could see her and shed a few tears :( My face was in my hands when someone hugged me. I look up and see my best friend, he didn't say anything just took my hand and walked me down to the floor where everyone was lined up. He just smiled at me and I felt better. This happened to me a lot. I was always friends with boys but i was never the girl with a "boyfriend" Dances would come and No one for slow dances then Matt would come dance with me. I don' care if it was out of pity. He didn't care what anyone thought and he'd dance with me. I know it may not seem like a lot to you guys, but it was friends like this that made me believe I was beautiful. He gave me confidence. As we got older I went to more dances with different guys but my Bubba always saved a dance for me.

We are 27 years old now and have been friends for over 20 years.I love this guy so much and I'm so proud of all that he has done. I'm most proud of the way he loves his family and I include myself in his family. He is good people. I love you Bubba.

look at this studd

Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 5)

This will be the final installment of the R&P saga well at least the newborn part :D I'm going to back track and jump around so stay with me :D

 after this picture was taken only parents were allowed in the NICU because of the H1N1 Virus. My mom , dad, sister, katie, and tim. were the only ones that got to hold the boys while in the NICU

Reagans first feeding from something other than a feeding tube 24 days old :D

and  first burp hehe

Pierce first bottle feeding 24 days old

That was goood! First burp :D(mini Charlie Bailey)

So this was their first feeding. the nurse said We give them 20 minutes then if they don't finish we put it in their tube. Reagan finished in 4 1/2 minutes and Pierce finished in 5 minutes :D they were ready to come home. If you've read my previous blogs you know that my boys were very healthy. They just had to grow and learn to eat :D They also had to bring themselves out of apnea spells. they would get all snuggly and comfy and say "hey this is nice lets stop breathing" we would wait a few seconds and if they didn't breath we'd give them a little nudge. We had to stop the nudging so they could go home. Just when it looked like we'd be going home they'd both be like ah breathing is for the weak boom apnea spell and they would just lay there smiling. not changing a thing. till one week :D neither boy had a spell! wooooo! so we get started on the going home process and Pierce gets a stinking eye infection :( so the boys are moved out of their co bed and into individual beds in pod 2.

After a week we were finally starting the going home process.

My first mother's day :D if all was well we'd go home the next day

Passed Carseat test!!

That night we had to stay in a care by parent room. Reagan was still hooked to a monitor that the nurses could see.  Pierces monitor was there just for our benefit. I was a nervous wreck and didn't sleep a wink. I was afraid they would have an apnea spell. We both stayed up all night watching monitors and listening to the boys breathe.

So this is where I'm sad. we lost a LOT of pictures. going home day. I have the ones from home but the ones from the hospital are gone :(

On May 11th, 2009 We made our way home to Georgia. I sat in the back between the boys. As soon as we pulled in my parents were there to greet us and for first dibs on un tethered lovins! Soon after my sister and Mammaw Katie and Pawpaw Tim came.

Nanny feeding Pierce on his first day home

Still so tiny only 4 lbs at 6 weeks old Sweet baby Rae

Exhausted! Home sweet home!

It was the best Mother's day to date! 

I left out so much but it seems like boring info to me. Maybe one day I'll go back and tell more stories from the NICU. For now I'll stop and say thank you so much to our amazing family and friends. Thank you to all of the nurses, doctors, employees at Erlanger and The Ronald McDonald House. Dont be mad at me Madisun but this is the end

Fin Frands

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 4) also...It's my birthday!!!

Reagan Sydney & Pierce Cameron (part 3)

       After I was released from recovery I was wheeled in my bed to a very small room. The attendant didn't feel that the group of people behind me would fit so he found a HUGE room. I was still high and very excited. It was dark outside so I'm not sure what time it was. It took them a few hours for them to get the boys set up in the NICU. After getting settled I was finally allowed to see my babies. Again, I was high from pain meds so this night is kindly fuzzy. I remember Chris pushed me in a wheelchair through the big double doors. I had to wash my hands then I was wheeled to Reagan. It was dark, I still wasn't able to touch them but I stared at my baby boy and smiled. He was wearing his little c-pap hat and had tubes everywhere. Then I was moved to the back of the pod to see my Piercey. Just as the other nurse did (which I didn't mention) Pierce's nurse lowered his isolet so I could see him. I couldn't stop smiling. They were perfect and healthy. My heart was so full of love. We had a large group of people waiting to see the boys so I was taken back to my room and given a red popsicle, I hate cherry :(, but it was the most amazing popsicle I had ever tasted. I sat in my room alone for a bit while Chris took visitors in one by one. I had time to think. I thought about how amazing God is. He gave me my precious miracles and gave me an unending peace about their health.
      After everyone saw the boys most of them went home. Our family stayed and came back to the room. I will never forget this moment. I was starving and I couldn't have anything but water, no more popsicles, nothing. In walks someone with a GIANT bag of Krystals. The smell was heavenly. They passed around food and ate, and ate, and ate. Paying no mind to me sitting on the bed salivating. My bestie Gayle pulled the privacy curtain and sat with me and made me giggle. Chris my sweet husband quit eating and came and sat with me. I wasn't mad at all. They had been there just as long as I had with no food. I finally convinced him  to eat. Everyone left and it was just me and Chris in our big room with balloons and krystals. They gave me more medicine and I passed out. No one told me they come in every hour to push on your stomach :(
      The next Morning I woke up and my nurse asked if I would like to see the boys for my first hands on. DUH I got up out of the bed while she was in the bathroom and was fixing my gowns to make sure nothing was showing. She came out of the bathroom and looked like she'd seen a ghost. " Mrs.Bailey PLEASE sit down slowly. What are you doing up?" apparently you aren't supposed to get up less than 24 hours after surgery and walk. No one told me. After i showed her i was fine she let me push my wheelchair for support to the NICU
. With Chris and nurse in tow I headed down the hall slowly. This wasn't bad at all. Walk into the NICU wash my hands and head to Pod 3. I got a lot of comments regarding my walking 13 hours after my surgery. I had my chair and I was determined to have my hands on time. So I went to Reagan first.

Reagan Sydney Bailey 2 lbs 14oz 14 inches long

Checking body Temp for the first time

First time changing Rea's Diaper

You can get a better idea of how small they were in these pictures. You can also see how hot I looked bwahahaha!

After this I very gracefully fell into my wheelchair. I felt like the whole room was spinning.

I had spinal headaches :( no fun. i felt like i might vomit. so Chris did the hands on with Pierce

Pierce Cameron Bailey 2lbs 15oz 15 inches long

First temp check with daddy

Pierce's first diaper change with Daddy

       We were both terrified. As I was changing Reagan I was checking everything. Making sure everything was in the right place. Definitely a boy...theres a hole but where is his butt? I started to cry thinking my baby was born without butt cheeks. The nurse read my mind and said "honey, he has to grow those cheeks, they'll come in soon enough" Her name was Jenna, you'll learn more about her later. We love her! It was the best feeling getting to touch my babies. I wouldn't be able to hold them for a while but this would hold me over. We did this every three hours for a few weeks. I spent 5 days at the hospital until we could get a room at the Ronald McDonald house. During those 5 days i ditched my wheelchair and saw my babies as much as possible. The boys were doing great. As you can tell from the pictures they weaned themselves off the cpap machines. a few days later they both pulled their oxygen cannulas off and were on room air. they were amazing their nurses and doctors. Day four brought a little valley. Pierce's echocardiogram came back and showed he had an open heart valve. He was not allowed to eat for thee day. They were going to try medicine first and if that didn't work we would need to discuss open heart surgery. Thankfully, one round of medicine closed it up!

         It was time to head to our home for the next few weeks Room 302. The beds were comfort select. Essentially air mattress with a remote to control the air. We were relaxing on the bed and had it at the perfect number when Allison my sister in law called. She was trying to find the RMH. In an attempt to help his sister, Chris jumps off the bed and goes to the window. Boom! my back smacked into the wood support of the bed. OMG it hurt. my stomach felt like it might rip off my body. yeah he felt bad, I cried and laughed.

      That night after the last hands on for the day we went to our room and sat on our bed. this was my first night out of a hospital bed.I guess being in the hospital masked the fact that My babies were not "with" me. I looked at my stomach, it was empty. I looked at my arms, there was no baby in them. I felt alone. This was the only time I "lost it" i ugly cried. Chris held me and I fell asleep eyes swollen and snotty nose.

To be continued...

Fin Frands